Shame can help us find our bearings. Feeling ashamed is something we generally try to avoid by steering clear of shameful actions in the first place. For some, another way of attempting to avoid shame is what might be called living “shamelessly”: committing shameful actions, but with accompanying denial or rejection of any shame. But such “shameless” living will ultimately only amount to self-degradation and the lack of any basis for self-respect or dignity. The good news is that dark cloud of shame has a silver lining—but this silver lining requires us to see shame through rather than shrug it off, reject it, or run from it. If we flee from shame as if it were a bogeyman, it will never help us find our bearings.
The “relief” from “shrugging off” shame would be akin to the “relief” from fleeing anxiety. It is not any sort of genuine relief, but a perpetual struggle to ignore that which is profoundly disquieting. Genuine relief, on the other hand, requires one to answer shame’s solicitations rather than trying to ignore them. What are shame’s solicitations, and what does answering them entail?
Shame solicits individuals to take a stance on themselves, and answering its solicitations entails precisely that. In many cases, shame is experienced as soliciting individuals to take a particular stance on themselves—and that stance is plainly obvious. If a soccer coach sees that one of his most talented players is coasting on talent alone, not putting in much effort, and so shames the player for it, the shame the player feels (assuming he feels ashamed) solicits him to take a stance on himself, indeed a particular stance: that of being a talented athlete who, currently skating by on talent, needs to put in the necessary work in order to make the most of his gift and not let his coach, his teammates, as well as himself down. Indeed, the fact that others have noticed and effectively shamed him lets him know that the possibility of him letting everyone down is both real and foreseeable—and he is responsible for this possibility and its prevention.
That this particular stance is the one that shame solicits the individual to take on himself and that it is immediately obvious is common in many instances of shame. Committing to that stance which shame solicits the player to take up and so seeing the shame through is the positive turn and road to relief. The soccer player feels shame and is solicited by it to take a particular stance on himself that, in his committing to it, allows him to see the shame through so to emerge as an individual for whom that shame is no longer applicable in the present (i.e., the player commits himself to the perspective shame led him to and so becomes hardworking, which in turn will bring him to a point where the shame he felt is no longer warranted).
But things are not always so clear and obvious as in the case above. Consider a student who is being shamed by his parents for getting a poor grade in calculus, a class that he is not particularly fond of. At first he feels ashamed at having let his parents down and performing poorly by conventional standards, but perhaps it isn’t clear to him that he ought to buckle down and get to work the way such a stance was the clear solicitation for the soccer player. That might appear as a possible stance, but not the obvious one that ought to be taken. The feeling of shame is all the while rather unpleasant, and in order to find relief a stance must be taken. It’s already clear to the student that calculus is not much fun and as it stands he’s not very good at it—but that’s not all there is to him. Let’s assume he’s got other worthwhile things going for him: perhaps he’s doing great in other classes and has been accepted to the school and program of his choice, or maybe he’s already taken quite a serious interest in woodworking and has lined up an apprenticeship at the carpenter’s guild. In thinking about his poor grade not as an isolated matter, but instead in the greater context of his life and alongside other relevant considerations, he ends up adopting a stance on himself that amounts to him being a competent individual with things going for him—things that he cares about, is dedicated to, and works hard at—who happens to be doing poorly in a particular class that, in the big picture, is largely irrelevant.
All things considered, his receiving a bad grade in calculus is greatly outweighed by many positive things and, in the greater context of his life, is really not that important and certainly not anything warranting the continued weight of shame. This does not mean it is okay to give up on secondary classes and endeavors altogether—indeed the initial experience of shame confirms that his receiving a poor grade in calculus was not good and not desirable. His navigation of the shame, however situated the incident and his accompanying shame within the greater context of his life. It is not good to earn a “D” in calculus, but it is also not the end of the world for an aspiring carpenter. Showing up to work hungover and injuring yourself, however, would warrant a much more significant amount of shame and for a greater duration. Its navigation would require adopting a stance on oneself and solidifying that stance: e.g., becoming more disciplined, getting one’s drinking in check, and maintaining a higher emphasis on safety while working.
But is this not all simply “shrugging it off”? No. But what is the difference, then? The difference is that the student was not merely averse to shame—he acknowledged something negative, felt ashamed, and took the time to navigate his shame and thus took up a stance on himself. He saw it through. He didn’t try to “shrug it off” in some maneuver of practiced nonchalance, nor did he try to simply ignore the feeling or muster up great indignation toward those shaming him as if the shaming itself constituted some a moral wrong. He took the time to experience it, think about it, and take up a stance on himself. The shaming afforded the individual in question an opportunity to grow as an individual. To navigate shame is necessarily to acknowledge it—not to deny it or any associated wrongdoing. Indeed, properly navigating shame requires to address in some way whatever wrongdoing was associated with the shame experienced and thus orient ourselves and move forward accordingly—whether this be as easy of a task as that of the calculus student, or as serious and sustained as that of the injured carpenter.
Shame, an unpleasant thing, can be, at least in most cases, owned up to and seen through such that one thereby arrives at and commits to a stance on themselves that is oriented toward genuine relief from shame. This process not only allows for the passing of the unpleasantness of shame, but also enables individuals to learn about and better themselves as well—to make good on or to correct going forward the mistakes of the past. But in order to see shame through and emerge knowing oneself better in light of it, one must not shy away from it by attempting to flee or write it off; it is necessary to recognize its importance and receive it as an opportunity to re-orient ourselves.